Can I just say "Blah"? Would that be a sufficient blogpost? Or should I throw in a few extra words like ''ick" and "blech" and "whatever" is a popular one. "Blah" to the useless forum I created, "Blah" to finding a niche online, "Blah" to my girlfriend reading over my shoulder ;) and "Blah" to my writing that comes in waves (of the yearly kind). There are Needs and Wants in life, and there are times when they intertwine into one entity becoming this epic "neant" and that is how I classify my writing. It is this ''neant'' that takes over me claiming every shred of sanity that I have. Until I wake up at night screaming my head off while not a sound escapes my lips because I haven't writen anything in months. Why is it that I beat myself up over words on a page? Why is it that I allow this ''neant'' to take over every fiber of my being, it's nothing, it's insignificant, it doesn't define who I am, yet it is who I am...It's who I wish to be, it's who I wish I could be classified as. A writer...There's not a term that could describe me that fills me with more pride then if someone could call me a writer.
I have love in my life, I have a job (meger at best) I don't allow myself the time needed to polish and practice my craft of writing. I've gone back through my past attempts at proper writing and have noticed that over the last couple of years (since I've really gotten slack with it) my writing has degraded quite a bit...It leaves me with a sense of sorrow...I'm so self obsorbed in everything that is my girlfriend and the pety things in life that I've forgotten how happy writing can make me. I am no longer able to sit in front of this white screen, cursor flashing, thoughts flying from my finger tips...This is a rare feat, sitting here for a few quiet moments...It doesn't happen often enough...I wish I were able to write more. I really do...I feel this empty Blah feeling, and I know how to fill it. I know the only way to fill it is to fill this screen with my accomplished nonesense...How long will the void be filled?
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Day 8...We've been in Nova Scotia now a total of 8 days. We've both put out tons of resumes and filled out application forms and yet still no one has called us back for interviews yet. We're getting antsy I would have to say. I'm stressed and I hate stress. And to top off all the stress of the move and not yet finding jobs and the whole life changing thing that's going on, there's a hurricane warning that we've been following for the past few days, Hurricane Bill. Luckily as of last night it's only supposed to be a category 1 dropping from a category 4 when it hits us. so that's a plus. Meaning right now the wind and rain that we're getting, well that's about it. Crossing fingers though, it's still quite bad outside. We went out briefly for a drive to check out a couple stores in town and Opal and I again dropped off a couple of resumes today. Coming home we saw a downed power line further up the road, so again, crossing fingers that we don't lose power cause that would REALLY suck...No internet, no computers, no tv, no games, no lights, nothing to do.
Edit: Hurricane Bill wasn't quite as momentous as we had originally thought he was going to bed. Definitely didn't turn out to be the life of the party or anything of that sort, it was quite the dud considering, at least in this area. There was a bit of power outage in the small town next to us about five minutes away but not too much to be heard of as of yet. Which is just fine and dandy with me.
Onto other crap. I have issues. Ha. And I will probably vent and rant and so on here, because that is what people do, they blog and get out their worries or problems and then go have a cup of tea, or a glass of juice or some straight-up whiskey, hold the rocks. My issues as I've been told by many people are of the kind that I sometimes create for myself, and perpetuate by dwelling or over-analyzing said issues. Issue number 1 I'm pissed right now because of something that I tried to leave behind me that was triggered tonight by a comment on Facebook to me from my step-brother. So I vented at him instead of through him to my father who really is the one that deserved that wrath, and not my innocent in this step-brother. So lets clear this up just a little shall we? To make a very long story short, came out to my dad he cried and basically denied the fact that I was a lesbian that it would be a phase because I was hurting him so badly by not being with a guy. This went on, he semi-welcomed my girlfriend into the family and then slowly the phone calls stopped, and messages to my step-sister stopped being responded to, and so on and so forth only to culminate in me trying one last time to communicate on a very civil level to my father just to reopen the lines of communication between us after things going so sourly. And that phone call ended up in me hanging up on him and his very selfish of my happiness affecting him so badly ways. Jump forward a little, my brother gets engaged and calls dad up to tell him, my name comes up, brother defends me and my position to dad, dad argues about it hurting him and so dad ends up hanging up on my brother. Jump forward again, now a month later Dad not trying to communicate to us whatsoever suddenly is worrying about us here in Nova Scotia cause he heard about the hurricane that was supposed to hit. I hear this 'worry' through that Facebook message from my step-brother, so yeah, I vented a little towards him in that message because I have this funny feeling that both our step-brother and step-sister don't realize what the real story is here and why he isn't speaking with us. Or maybe our father full well believes that nothing is wrong and will simply never admit there is a communication problem between all of us. Or maybe someone else besides myself and my brother will realize there's more of a communication problem between our father's mouth and brain then anywhere's else. But only time will see that now. My brother's getting married in February next year, so we'll see if things resolve themselves by then, or if I'll be sitting on the bride's side next to my beautiful girlfriend if he happens to come.
I'm through ranting for the night, maybe I'll edit this again if it seems a bit odd when I re-read it tomorrow or I may just elaborate more on the story to allow you all a bit more of an understanding to it. We'll see what tomorrow brings, for now I'm off to go cuddle up to my girlfriend, cause I need me some loving arms around me :)
Jennifer
Edit: Hurricane Bill wasn't quite as momentous as we had originally thought he was going to bed. Definitely didn't turn out to be the life of the party or anything of that sort, it was quite the dud considering, at least in this area. There was a bit of power outage in the small town next to us about five minutes away but not too much to be heard of as of yet. Which is just fine and dandy with me.
Onto other crap. I have issues. Ha. And I will probably vent and rant and so on here, because that is what people do, they blog and get out their worries or problems and then go have a cup of tea, or a glass of juice or some straight-up whiskey, hold the rocks. My issues as I've been told by many people are of the kind that I sometimes create for myself, and perpetuate by dwelling or over-analyzing said issues. Issue number 1 I'm pissed right now because of something that I tried to leave behind me that was triggered tonight by a comment on Facebook to me from my step-brother. So I vented at him instead of through him to my father who really is the one that deserved that wrath, and not my innocent in this step-brother. So lets clear this up just a little shall we? To make a very long story short, came out to my dad he cried and basically denied the fact that I was a lesbian that it would be a phase because I was hurting him so badly by not being with a guy. This went on, he semi-welcomed my girlfriend into the family and then slowly the phone calls stopped, and messages to my step-sister stopped being responded to, and so on and so forth only to culminate in me trying one last time to communicate on a very civil level to my father just to reopen the lines of communication between us after things going so sourly. And that phone call ended up in me hanging up on him and his very selfish of my happiness affecting him so badly ways. Jump forward a little, my brother gets engaged and calls dad up to tell him, my name comes up, brother defends me and my position to dad, dad argues about it hurting him and so dad ends up hanging up on my brother. Jump forward again, now a month later Dad not trying to communicate to us whatsoever suddenly is worrying about us here in Nova Scotia cause he heard about the hurricane that was supposed to hit. I hear this 'worry' through that Facebook message from my step-brother, so yeah, I vented a little towards him in that message because I have this funny feeling that both our step-brother and step-sister don't realize what the real story is here and why he isn't speaking with us. Or maybe our father full well believes that nothing is wrong and will simply never admit there is a communication problem between all of us. Or maybe someone else besides myself and my brother will realize there's more of a communication problem between our father's mouth and brain then anywhere's else. But only time will see that now. My brother's getting married in February next year, so we'll see if things resolve themselves by then, or if I'll be sitting on the bride's side next to my beautiful girlfriend if he happens to come.
I'm through ranting for the night, maybe I'll edit this again if it seems a bit odd when I re-read it tomorrow or I may just elaborate more on the story to allow you all a bit more of an understanding to it. We'll see what tomorrow brings, for now I'm off to go cuddle up to my girlfriend, cause I need me some loving arms around me :)
Jennifer
Friday, August 21, 2009
A New Begining
It's been a few years since I've regularly blogged, and perhaps another year and a half since I've tried to get back into blogging. So I figured, what with the huge life changes I've gone through in the last little while, and the massive move from one province to another just one week ago, this would be the perfect opportunity to reintroduce myself to this writing community.
Perhaps a little about myself before I start rambling too much. The name's Jennifer, I'm a 26 year old New Brunswicker, happily taken by my beautiful girlfriend which yes, that does make me a lesbian. I have a passion for writing which I unfortunately do not do enough of, love all kinds of music, movies, and books, enjoy the random video game and surfing the internet as most people my age do. Besides that you'll get to know me through my random ramblings.
As I said before, my girlfriend and I have just recently sold off all of what we could of our possessions, gave away as much as we could to help out our friends and then packed up all of our personal belongings (what we could actually stuff into the handful of suitcases we owned) and jumped on a train and landed 7 and a half hours later into a new province only to be stuffed into my brothers small Sunfire, luggage and all, to drive another hour away from the train station to our temporary residence being his house. Now the job hunt has begun, we've been out every single day since the beginning of this week (having arrived late Saturday night, our hunt really only commenced Monday) and still no luck on the job front. It's rather frustrating as I see the money supply running out, and no news on a new job coming in for either of us. Hopefully things will begin to fall into place for us.
As I was sitting on the train a tiny bit of inspiration to write happened so I thought I'd post it here considering this is going to turn out to be a rambling blog of my adventures, so it's only fitting to have the first entry of my adventures logged here:
August 15th, 2009
It's approximately 11:30am right now and Opal and I are sitting on the train on our way to Halifax, NS. It's a chance to start over new, I'm so afraid...It's an adventure I didn't think I'd be doing at 26 years old, that's for sure.
I feel the sway rocking back and forth
speeding down the tracks
A murmur of people
All with one goal
All with one destination
A whistle blows
Then another signaling a peaceful town
We pass countless people
Living their lives
The vast openness ahead makes me feel insignificant
Small, and scared
This adventure begins
Hours to go, swaying excited chatter in my mind
Anxious to be received
And this new chapter of life
A chance to be happy
Leaving the pain behind
Leaving friends and family
A necessary pain as the tracks stretch before us
As we sway to the rhythm of the speeding train.
I'm going to miss a few people in Bathurst. A few very choice people. We've given up almost everything we had...I'm leaving behind my only home of 26 years. To start our new life, in a new province, in a new town, in a new home. My hope is to find an amazing job...so we can secure a car down the road and a nice little house. That would be ideal for me. That is the life I want. A great income, a house, a car, and my Love by my side. :) I love you Opal. With all of my heart, there's nothing that will ever change that. I just hope that you will be happy here...I will cross my fingers for us Love...
And so that was the beginning of our adventure together. A bit of hope, a bit of fear, and even a bit of poetry to match the rocking of the train. Hopefully we will adjust, hopefully the new life we seek here will be one of happiness and excitement and not of the same pain we had in our last home. Here's to us, here's to starting a new life, here's to starting a new blog and here's to happiness. Cheers!
Jennifer
Perhaps a little about myself before I start rambling too much. The name's Jennifer, I'm a 26 year old New Brunswicker, happily taken by my beautiful girlfriend which yes, that does make me a lesbian. I have a passion for writing which I unfortunately do not do enough of, love all kinds of music, movies, and books, enjoy the random video game and surfing the internet as most people my age do. Besides that you'll get to know me through my random ramblings.
As I said before, my girlfriend and I have just recently sold off all of what we could of our possessions, gave away as much as we could to help out our friends and then packed up all of our personal belongings (what we could actually stuff into the handful of suitcases we owned) and jumped on a train and landed 7 and a half hours later into a new province only to be stuffed into my brothers small Sunfire, luggage and all, to drive another hour away from the train station to our temporary residence being his house. Now the job hunt has begun, we've been out every single day since the beginning of this week (having arrived late Saturday night, our hunt really only commenced Monday) and still no luck on the job front. It's rather frustrating as I see the money supply running out, and no news on a new job coming in for either of us. Hopefully things will begin to fall into place for us.
As I was sitting on the train a tiny bit of inspiration to write happened so I thought I'd post it here considering this is going to turn out to be a rambling blog of my adventures, so it's only fitting to have the first entry of my adventures logged here:
August 15th, 2009
It's approximately 11:30am right now and Opal and I are sitting on the train on our way to Halifax, NS. It's a chance to start over new, I'm so afraid...It's an adventure I didn't think I'd be doing at 26 years old, that's for sure.
I feel the sway rocking back and forth
speeding down the tracks
A murmur of people
All with one goal
All with one destination
A whistle blows
Then another signaling a peaceful town
We pass countless people
Living their lives
The vast openness ahead makes me feel insignificant
Small, and scared
This adventure begins
Hours to go, swaying excited chatter in my mind
Anxious to be received
And this new chapter of life
A chance to be happy
Leaving the pain behind
Leaving friends and family
A necessary pain as the tracks stretch before us
As we sway to the rhythm of the speeding train.
I'm going to miss a few people in Bathurst. A few very choice people. We've given up almost everything we had...I'm leaving behind my only home of 26 years. To start our new life, in a new province, in a new town, in a new home. My hope is to find an amazing job...so we can secure a car down the road and a nice little house. That would be ideal for me. That is the life I want. A great income, a house, a car, and my Love by my side. :) I love you Opal. With all of my heart, there's nothing that will ever change that. I just hope that you will be happy here...I will cross my fingers for us Love...
And so that was the beginning of our adventure together. A bit of hope, a bit of fear, and even a bit of poetry to match the rocking of the train. Hopefully we will adjust, hopefully the new life we seek here will be one of happiness and excitement and not of the same pain we had in our last home. Here's to us, here's to starting a new life, here's to starting a new blog and here's to happiness. Cheers!
Jennifer
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